what an icky day out today!!! thunderstorms moving through the area. We need the rain tho, so doesn't bother me. Didn't have any plans today anyhow. I do have some errands to run, but can do them at my leisure. Trying to get laundry done for T 's trip to illinois. She is excited about going. But i sure will miss her!

Got a choker and bracelet/anklet done yesterday and that was about all i got accomplished lol.
Watched a movie last night. the faith of our fathers, the story of John McCain ..i gotta read the book now. i am sure it is MUCH better than the movie was.

going to the library later today to return my books and get new ones. i hope that his is there.

June 1 tomorrow!!! can't believe it! how time is flying. Half the year is about up.

don't have much more to say this morning. still tryin to wake up some.
til later

Well this is my first memorial day that i haven't been able to visit my cousin's grave. I usually go their and put flowers on his grave and sit and reflect on life. Beings i moved to florida, i am not able to do so.
He was 20, stabbed to death while trying to save a friend from being beaten to death. He had a 9 month old son at the time. That was 12 years ago. We were very close, we grew up together. He was in the Air Force and leading a wonderful life. Life cut short. Anyhow, i will miss going there today, as i have for the past 12 years. But i will make it there next month in my travels to illinois.
A funny story that just popped in my head....
I was married to my first husband in the early ninetys. My cousin had joined the air force and was home for a bit after being deployed from Saudi Arabia. We lived near his grandparents house in the country. One morning, we heard a knock on the door and my husband went and answered it. He came back in and said to me very snotty.."there is SOME guy here to see you?" I looked at him funny, cuz first..we never get visitors and secondly when we do it was always HIS friends. lol. So i went to the door and it was MY COUSIN!! lmao!! I laughed sooooooooo hard, invited him in and my ex never lived that down!! MY cousin had been visiting his grandparents and found his way to our house to visit. It was a nice surprise!! He told us of his ventures in Saudi and how he was glad to be home. He didn't stay long, but his visit was sweet.
The next time i saw him was many years later, and i took him to the bus depot so he could return to CA where he was stationed. That was the last time i saw him alive.
so anyhow, today i will remember him and my family memebers that fought in the wars over the years, and reflect on life.

Micah, i miss you and look forward to seeing you again someday

had a good nites sleep last night. still not sure what is up for today. k is already outside working on his truck today. Radiator leaking. If it isn't one thing it is another!!

With T leaving thurs for illinois, i asked him last night what the heck are we going to do for a month without her here?!! Probably go out and see a movie he says. lol. He asked me what i wanted to do for my birthday (coming up next month) i said get drunk lol so i am hoping we can spend some much needed time alone doing something other than watching tv here at home. Been a stressful couple of weeks here, relationship wise.

i was thinking the other day, about my life, and about the paths that i have traveled so far. Of course with taking care of dad, so much of my life is ummmm..restricted i guess would be the word. Maybe God has led me on this path, or otherwise i would be getting into trouble lol. If dad wasn't here, i know i would be out partying all the time. Something i really didn't get to do in my early 20's, late 20's or even 30's lol. After my 2nd divorce, i did however, get out and party. Meet alot of people, and had the time of my life. Not to say that is the only thing i wanna do. I wanna go and see plays, i have only been to one. phantom of the opera, and didn't understand one thing about that one lol. Wanna travel. i would love to be able to take a weekend, and be able to go see things. historical things. i love history. it amazes me. Take a 4 day cruise. i don't know...anything that can be done on a whim. But alas, can't be done, due to my dad.
wow i guess i took off rambling again. well i guess that is what this is for...a mom's ramblings lol

gotta get off here and get something productive done. although i feel like just being lazy again today.

til later

wow, what a lazy day i had today!! i did nothing. Watch general hospital all afternoon and got caught up what was going on. Kevin fixed my car, which took all afternoon. Now it is 9:30 pm and we are watching Windtalkers. I love that movie!

got my site up and goin again. Almost done with a necklace that i hope to get on my site tomorrow or the next day, and got another idea for a bracelet.

one more night of reading, and i will have finished my book. I know why the caged birds sing, by Maya Angelou. great book!!! i wanted to read some recent stuff of hers, but thought i better start at the begining, with her first book. Wow, what a childhood she had!! i can't wait to read the next one.

Not sure what plans are for tomorrow. Tailor didn't ask once today to go swimming, which is rare with her!!! She was actually good today, and didn't ride my heels all day. She cleaned her room, and colored some pictures. She is excited about leaving for illinois next week. In all honesty, i am ready for a break from her as well. We don't get along well most times. She is soo hard headed and independant, like her mother lol. I am going to have a time with her when she gets older, i know that for a fact. It will do her good to visit her dad, and her grandma, and her uncle. (my mom and brother) Plus her friends that she misses as well.

well commerical is over, back to the movie

til tomorrow

another day another attitude
was up at 4:30 this morning, wide awake. got up and had some coffee and came online for a bit. finished up some odds and ends on my site.
watched as the darkness turned into morning and then i read for a bit.
T is up and is all stuffy. her allergies are bothering her. poor thing. i never had allergies so i can't imagine the inconvience it is to be stuffy and itchy.
yep, i am just rambling this morning. not really much on my mind to say once again. sometimes i just draw a blank

lets hope today is a better day for me! i got some good rest, so hopefully nothing too stressful will happen today**hope hope hope** lol.

today will be dishes and laundry day. and i need to clean my car out. I MIGHT try to finish my site, in between cleaning and entertaining tailor. Her being 5 yrs old, she sure sucks the attention out of me.

I can't believe it is memorial day weekend already!! Time is flying by so fast this year for me. Hurricane season starts next week here. I am kinda nervous about it. If i didn't have my dad here, i wouldn't be as nervous i don't think. but time will tell what happens.

dont' really have much to say this morning. still trying to wake up lol.

til later

ok, i have calmed down and in better spirits lol. went and got parts to fix my car tonight. need new rotors, new hub, new brakes and will also need cv joints and new tires next week.

got another great headache going on again tonight. the whole website thing got to me i guess. after i posted on here i turned my computer OFF. lol. it worked, i cooled down, but now i have a bad headache.

gotta get tailor to bed so am outta here for tonight

I am about to give up, i mean two minutes away, on my whole internet buisness/work at home thing. I have worked on this damn website for 3 damn straight days, and THOUGHT i was done but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO since i have no fricking idea what i am doing, it is not done.
**SIGH**
my editing program keeps shutting down on me, which is pissing me off to NO end. So for now i am through.
good night

well i should say evening now!!! geez i haven't had time to get back here. i worked on my site all day, and am almost done so i will be able to republish it!! yeah!! i just have to make a few graphics and upload a few more pics then i am done. so i am hoping to be done tomorrow. i guess it wouldn't be so much work, but i am never happy with it, and so i start all over from scratch lol. just too picky i guess

well am making supper now, and trying to unwind after all the computer work. if i wasn't so stubborn, i would hire someone who knows what the heck they are doing and design the site for me. but not the case. i wanna prove a point to myself, that i can do it all by myself i guess

i was browsing the net last night, looking at blogs. there are some cute ones out there!!!!!! mine is soo boring compared to other ones out there ! i love to look at other's taste in design and ablities to do them.

well better get to checking on supper. making meatloaf, mashed taters and corn tonight.
til tomorrow ~~

well today has started off pretty well!! i dont' have a headache, that i have had the past week, so that is a major plus!!!!!! yippeeee. lol. can you tell i am excited? I am making headway on my site, which i was stuck on yesterday!! yippeeee again.
i been so busy on here this morning, i have forgotten to go to the bank!!!!! just now remembered. so off i go..need to run errands

til later

well i thought today would be better, but i have a horrible headache and my back is killing me. this stupid website of mine has gotten me all shaken up lol. i give up on it today.

tailor is going to illinois next week for a month. She is visiting her dad, grandma and all her friends there. she told me yesterday(after tons of fighting) she wanted to move to illinois with her dad. so i said, ok, you think it is all rosey up there, i will find a way for you to go, and i did. she rethought what she had said, came out of her room while i was checking flights to illinois, and asked me what i was doing. so i told her, getting a flight to illinois. She looked at me, and asked' do you still love me?' i said of course, i always will. then she asked 'why are you still finding flights to illinois then?' I told her, that she said she wanted to go live in illinois ....she says' aaaactually, i just meant i wanted to VISIT my dad, not live there' (lol the lil shit)
i am not playing her game of when she gets mad and wants to live with dad. So i called her on it, and it worked. Shit, she is only 5!!!
Anyhow, she is going to go visit and is soooo excited. we will see if she lasts a month!! ( i know I WONT) but that is the plan.

well i am off to take a nap. can't take the dizziness anymore

til tomorrow

Just another one. i disklike mondays. dont' know why but just do.

I am still working on my website to redo it. i just don't have enough time to myself to work on it, which gets me very frustrated. tomorrow i will have the time tho, i plan on spending the day redoing the layout. i want to do it myself instead of paying someone to do it. I wore a hemp anklet i made this weekend. looked pretty good lol. i also got different color hemp, instead of natural color, to do some diff stuff. also been looking at glass beads to incorporate also, instead of wooden ones, that i have been using. i have made two or three more things, that i haven't posted yet, am waiting til i redo the site til i do post them.

anyhow..tailor is on my last nerve already this morning. had huge fights this morning already, and more to come i am guessing. she already has her suit on wanting to go swimming, and it is only 10 am grrrrrrrrrr.

well am outta here for now

til later

those who tell lies and keep secrets always are found out. even if the first lie was told, and thought done with? and secretly is being going on, is STILL found out. no one wins with lies. i destest a person who lies to me, who wouldn't???
is a person's intellence suppose to be scorned? a lie found out, surely puts a whole in the recievers heart. they are not stupid, they are not ignorant, the liar is stupid and ignorant.
why would a person think it necessary to lie? even if to a foe? why must a person be insulted but such things?
those who think a computer can hold secrets, are wrong. use passwords, use alias', use blocking agents..whatever you have to. but the truth always shines through.

the only real secret to the good life is to NOT lie in the first place. to be completely honest. then there is no secrets to be kept. no lies to lie again about. one lie leads to another, it is a never ending battle.

a liar beware
a heart is
nothing to tear.

a liar be taught
u will always always
be caught

a liar be quiet
for all you do
is cause all out riot

a liar alone
with misery to himself
reap what is sowen

day's almost over. swam for a few hours today with tailor. then got ready and went out to dinner with the 'moms' which was nice. got some adult time with no kids!!

kevin went to the grocery store, so don't have to deal with that again tomorrow.
i am planning on reading my book tonight and relaxing.
still feel creative tho, and want to work on my website, and some more jewelry.
found a bit out about myself tonight. the other mom's that was with us, where younger..in their early 20's. they were itching to go out on the town after dinner, me..i just wanted to come home. I am a homebody. not like i use to be..i would have been right there with them, itching to go to the bar. but i am satisfied to just come home. must come with age!!!!

kevin said, dad kept coming out and asking if i was home yet. ( i was gone a total of 3 1/2 hours) dad kept saying, that i had been gone a long time. *sigh* gosh forbid if i have a life!!! oh well, am home, tailor is tucked into bed and he is relieved that i am home. Like i have said time and time again, i am his security blanket. just another part of life i suppose.

til tomorrow

Well i finally got a good nights sleep last night. first one all week!!!!

Need to go get groceries today..yuck!!! and finish laundry up. double yuck!!

Not really too much to say this morning. still trying to wake up and havin some coffee!!

aside from cleaning, not sure what the day will bring. tailor is not feeling well this morning. but she wants to go swimming today again. so will probably end up there this afternoon!!

til later

I can't believe i haven't been here today yet!!! how the time flies!!

Well looks like something is up with photobucket, cuz all of my pics and graphics that are uploaded there are giving me red x's!! and i can't even get into the site!! so don't know what the heck is up.

went to tailors kindergarden assessment this morning. went well i guess. won't know the results until the fall when she starts school. Then we went to the post office, bank and to the craft store. Came home had lunch and headed out to the pool. Now i am exhausted lol. Still gotta get some laundry into the dryer and start another load, start supper, run and go pay the sitter. today has been a fast day!!

Going out tomorrow night for a 'moms' night out with some area ladies to dinner. should be fun. Need to get outta this house. My headache isn't as bad as yesterday. But am still lil crabby today.

Got some new ideas for some jewelry today also. So maybe sometime this weekend i will work on making them.

I am still bitchy this afternoon. i even took a nap today!! must be pms.

i went to the library today and got two new books to read.

One is I know why the caged bird sings (i know a older one) but i have never read her stuff, so i thought i would try
and the other is

The Rising ~~ i have read all the left behind books and this is the new one that is out.

i am in a book challenge on SSM, which i am glad for, cuz it is keeping me reading :) The challenge is to read 100 books this year, which i doubt i will make, but i am having fun trying.

well am off here for now. not feeling well this evening along with being bitchy

til tomorrow

I am very bitchy today. just not in a good mood this week. Maybe it is pms. i don't know but i hope i snap outta it soon :)

got a mom's night out this weekend with some girls from the area, i am looking forward to that. Need to get out of this house!!!

Got two more pieces done. made chokers this time around. I need to change the layout again. i don't like it too boring!! been having fun playin in my editor tho lol.

got dad in the shower this morning, glad that is over with. he seems ok today. thank goodness!!!
I am not sure what i am going to do today. i feel like going shopping for some more jewelry supplies, but don't have the money *sigh* oh well some other day i guess

well dad weirded out on me again this morning. i won't go into details, but i was freaked out. 4 more weeks til his dr appt, hope i can hold out.

If the doctor suggests nursing home this time, i am not going to fight it. I fought the last time he was put in a home, cuz i didn't think he needed to be there. He just needed a fix in his dosage of zyprexa. Then he did fine, and i got him home. That was in 1998. I can barely handle taking care of him anymore. He is wheelchair bound now, and is not capable of much. I already suffer from major depression, and taking care of him is making it worse. It has been very stressful the past 9 years with him. I just don't know how much more i can take.
I made a promise to him, that as long as he was able to shower himself and go to the bathroom, i would take care of him, and not put him in a nursing home. Well he can still do these things, but not very well.
My life has been put on hold since 1997 when all this happened. When i took him into my care. When is it going to be my turn at life? Maybe that is selfish to say. But i said it. I am 33 and feel like i am 60. On top of it all i have a 5 yr old to think about also. We are kept from going places and doing things, that i might be able to do without the responsibity of dad. I don't know. I feel guilty feeling this way, but 8-9 years is a long time. Dad is soo stubborn, he will probably live til he is 100. He is only 63. i know how stressful it was when he was in the nursing home before. he was there 3 months. It was horror!! I know how the patients are being treated and mostly it isn't nicely. I was sooooo stressed i was losing hair. I would visit him everyday, and bring him food, and fight with the nurses to change his wet pants(he was unable to get to the bathroom at the time) that he had probably been laying in for a long time. uuggh.. can't bring these feelings back up.

I am up early again this morning. Now i have a fuzzy, blurry feeling in my head. i guess i didnt get enough sleep.

watching the news, and they are talking about the 2 children missing in idaho. where 3 were found dead in their home. This is just awful!! How can this keep going on in this country? I just will never understand. Makes me sooo angry and sobbing inside.

am going to be making new jewelry today and get it up on my site. if that is the only thing i get done today, that will be it!!! i do have a IEP meeting today with tailor's teacher this afternoon.

well outta here for now, gotta take tailor to her sitters and get to work on the pieces

holy crap this day is going fast. worked all morning doing some new jewelry and none of it turned out, so angry at myself. So will have to start over. maybe this jewelry selling isn't for me. I love to sit and make stuff but get discouraged when the stuff doesn't turn out as i picture it in my head. I think i need a nap, am very grouchy today. and sitting all morning working on that stuff, and it not turning out so i can get it up on my site to sell didn't help matters either!!!


my car insurance went down this month woohoo. went down about 9 dollars a month! bout time it goes down. now just wish my house insurance would go down, lol but i doubt it!!!!!!!!!! aah well, insurance is a scam anyhow. they want you to pay into it up the butt, but when it is time for them to pay out...it is like pulling teeth!!


well am outta here, gonna go read the rest of my book and take a nap i think.
til later

Up early this morning!! musta had good sleep lol

need to get my desk cleaned up today, it is a train wreck!! Also am going to work on some new jewelry pieces. got some more ideas for some anklets and chokers.

not much to say this early in the morning, just havin some coffee and trying to wake up some.
be back later

a poem i submitted to a site i stubbled upon, which threw me into the semi final round for a 10000. prize. lol it was a no nonsense poem i thought of off the top of my head. i submitted it and a couple weeks later i got a letter in the mail i was a finalist lol.
here is the copy of the poem

Love
Love me til no end
Love me enough to spend
the whole life of us together
Beyond the end of time.

Love you til the end
Love you enough to spend
all my life devoted
to eternity with love.
Kristy Davis
Copyright ©2005 Kristy Davis

to find it on the poetry site:
www.poetry.com
search
davis,kristy
it is the third one down, named love

Today is tailors last day of school. They are going on a 'field trip' to the soccer field next to the school and having ice cream . She needs to wear tennis shoes, and found out this morning that hers dont fit anymore..so it will be off to walmart to buy new.
going to be a busy week. got her IEP meeting on wed. with her teacher and then friday she has her assessment in the morning for Kindergarden.
i need to work on some more pieces for my site in the inbetween days that we are not running around.

can't think of much else to say this am.

til later

the air show was pretty cool. we didn't stay for the whole thing tho. tailors face is lil red from the sun.
the beach was pretty crowded as expected. the water was warmer than i thought it would be.
then we came home, and swam in our pool for a couple hours, and had supper. I am hoping tailor will crash early tonight, which i am sure she will given all the swimming she has done today!!

all in all a good day for once :)

Sunday, May 15th!! the month of may is half over!! Can't believe it!!

We are going to the air show today at the beach. gonna be hot out too!! up to 88.

Slept ok last night, had some strange dreams but only can remember bits and pieces of em. I wanted to sleep in this morn but got up at 6:30 and just stayed up. i will pay for that later.

not much else goin on. better go get some laundry done, so i got something to wear today!

til later

well i was up from 2 am til 5 with tailor last night. she got up feeling sick. then i finally got back to bed and got up at 10 so much for a good nites sleep
lil tired and lil grouchy today.
got housework and yard work to get caught up yeah fun

going to the air show tomorrow at the beach. blue angels are suppose to be there i guess. a way to get away from the house for a bit i guess.

finally got my website functionable for now. some things i wanna change, but for now it works. so..good luck to me :D

well am off to outside to clean the pool

til later

there are reasons in life a person keeps to themselves.
a reason that a person doesn't share things with whom they should
a reason for everything that happens in life

i hate when people think that they are a know it all. and think everyone is below them. some people do have feelings. although some people DONT
are feelings meant to be hurt and stepped on all the time. some people wonder why you stay away
stuck on themselves peeps, make me fucking sick to my stomach
those who think that their shit doesn't stink really makes me fucking sick

i love to blend into the backround and take things in
those who speak first without knowledge don't have a fucking clue about anything in this world. even if they THINK they know it ALL

a reason for privacy
a scale of the unknown
those who dont' hear, pity on you
those who speak with a brash tongue, pity on you
those whos minds are knowledgeful of NOTHING pity on you!!

Well going this morning for a tour of tailors kindergarden classrooms. can't believe she is going to K next year!!! time flies fast.

then i will be back here to work on my website, am going to try and get it fixed today so i can get to movin on it :) got some suggestions from my bro yesterday on it. which was nice. always nice to have someone critic your work!!

well am outta here for now

today has gone by fast.

with a dr appt in the mid of the day, it screws everything up. aaah well.

am goin to sleep early tonight. am exhausted.

tomorrow am going to see tailor's new school for kindergarden!!! they are havin a open house or something like that.

til tomorrow

I didn't sleep well last night. so am tired and grouchy this morning. Kevin got home at 2 am this morning and got back up to be at work at 7. bless his heart, hard working man.

got a dr appt this morning, well at noon. right in the middle of the day. hate that.

more fishies died in the fish tank this week. :( oh well just will have to buy more

not much else to say this morning. still kinda half asleep trying to down a cup of coffee

til later

Gotta love it. today has been stressful. i have been infront of this computer 80% of the day today.
Had a frickin trojan virus this morning that took me 5 hours to get rid of!!!! :(( i was not a happy camper. BUT with some reading and figuring shit out, i got rid of it. Then i had to work on my website, cuz i have no idea what the hell i am doing lmao. well i do ..kinda. but i got a page done, and want to add paypal but can't figure out how to get the html code in the photo template ..so pissed. was going to redo the whole page, but gave up cuz i was tired. I got behind in my laundry and dishes past couple of days, not to mention my msn groups i am in and message boards i am in. But laundry and dishes are caught up now.

kevin is at work tonight. he worked all day then came home for supper and will probably be home between midnight and 2 am. long day for him as well.

well that about sums up my day today. hopefully tomorrow will be a better one. got a dr appt in the morning, and then back to the puter to finish this website.

til tomorrow

I am soo tired!! i have been working on my website alll day lol. From doing the graphics to the layout and uploading/downloading/sideloading lol ..i am beat! But, i have almost got it done enough to publish!! yeah for me.
Anyhow..am fixing on relaxing doing some cross stitch tonight. i have neglacted that for a couple of weeks!! I am almost done with it, if i just sat down and just did it for a good amount of time.
I have found myself not being able to sit still lately. Except for when it comes to this computer!! I can sit here til my butt hurts.

am off here
til tomorrow

Monday is depressing for me for some reason. i dislike them lol

ran dad's wheelchair back to the rental place this morning. man, i need my car fixed. I need tie rod ends, rotors, brake pads and one bearing all relplaced. plus tired and alignment. Lot of money to do that!! haven't figured out how i am going to get it done yet.

going to try to get my website done within the next couple of days
i got some new pieces that i made over the weekend that i need to get pics of and online. need to get pricing set up and published too. i already have some peeps wanting to buy some, just need to get my butt in gear and get it all up.

well i am off to psp land to get some graphics done.

Wow, i didn't even post in here yesterday!! It was a stange day anyhow. was up at 4:30 am..same with today. Took a nap then messed around here at the house. Was grumpy yesterday for some unknown reason.

Not sure what today will bring. I don't know why i am up so early again. Drank a pot of coffee already!!! Maybe it is the quiet time i enjoy. I like to be alone but not all the time. Early mornings seem to relax me, but then i am soo tired by mid morning, i don't think i can function. Maybe i am suppose to be a loner in life, but then again, God gave me a child, so that puts that theory to rest. Who knows. and my mood lately is going wild. didn't really realize it til kevin said something to me bout it. Not sure why i snap when i get angry. But instead of staying angry, i force myself to forget it and move on. strange. I am tired of being angry all the time, and tired of being tired all the time also. been that way for most my life tho. Except for when i lost alot of weight. That is probably my problem , being severly overweight. The only time i felt good in life is when i was at a 'normal' weight. But 99% of my life i have been fat. My destiny i guess..get over it and move on. i am 32, if i am not at a normal weight by now, i will never be.

got my mommy's day gift early yesterday. Got a beautiful bouquet of a dozen roses!!! i love it. it is really beautiful. Got some chocolate..yummy, a float for the pool and a balloon. The cutest card from tailor and a very loving card from kevin. I am lucky to have him in my life. he loves me so.

outta here for now

got dad an appt in JUNE..yep gotta wait.
just have to take it day by day i guess.
i hate this disease

I got the link in the sidebar for my macrame. just scroll down.
i will be selling this soon. check back for updates and new macrame as well

its a scary thing.
dad is having another pychotic episode. that is why the strange behaviour past few days
he is off his meds
can't find a dr here.
but am trying to today. need to call and see what i can do to make a appt for him. and then try to get him to go and THEN try to get him to take his meds.
I hate this disease. It is awful.
I am not ready to deal with him going off the deep end again. I fought it for a year or so before. it is emotionally stressful, beyond stressful.
well better get on the phone and see what i can do

..later

What a long day. Actually it was a relaxing day for me, but long one. Tailor was gone all day, and i..relaxed. Read some, surfed the web some, worked on my blogs some, did some cross stitch, and took a nap. Seems like the day has dragged on..not sure why???? did 3 loads of laundry also.

got the bills paid tonight also, need to go mail them in the morning. Along with some mommy day's gift from a gift exchange that i am in.

got some more chatter out of dad today also. got him talking about his home and family when he was little. That was something, growing up, that was never discussed..never. So it was interesting learning bout his past and a family i barely know. I am doing my geneology, just cuz of my curiousity of his side of the family..and i have learned alot, but it is the personal stories that i don't have, so as long as he is in 'chatter' mode, i am gonna get what i can get. He was born and raised in the southeastern Kentucky Hills..not too awful far from where Loretta Lynn was raised.

anyhow..that is my day, not too exciting that is for sure

til tomorrow

Well over the past two days, my dad has talked my ear off.
He hasn't talked that much in probably 4 or 5 years.
With being physically and mentally disabled, he just sits and watches tv or sleeps.
He had a stoke 10 years ago. shortly after that he was showing signs of schizophrenia. Eventually was diagnosed with parinoid schizo. Drs say he's had it most his life, and he self medicated with alcohol. Bad alcoholic he was!! bad bad. Makes sense now.
anyhow, taking responibilty for him, has really changed my life in the past 8 years or so. Yestereday he asked me when he had his storke..three years ago he says? I said, no about 10 years ago. He asked me if it was 1993 . I told him no, its 2005. He said he can't remember the past ten years. Every since he is asking me all these questions. This morning he asked how many kids did he have, and how old are they. Asked when his mother died, and if he went to the funeral. (she passed away in 1997, when he was undiagonsed with schizo, and was having bad bad episodes from it) This afternoon, he asked me again how old i was. ..just strange questions about the past ten years..well maybe not strange, but it is boggling his mind that he can't remember. He remembers bits and pieces of it tho.
I hope this isn't a sign of him having another episode of delucions and stuff. He has been off meds since jan. since the dr wouldn't prescribe them, and dad wouldn't go see a pycharist. I dont' think i could handle him getting out of control again. I fought that for almost two years with him. Sad to say, but i hope it is just demenia setting in. and not the schizo. I tried to go on the web this morning to read about demenia and schizo, to see if they are related anyhow...and didn't really have the time to read anything.

i feel sad for him. I couldn't imagine figuring out that 10 years of his life of memories are gone. I know after his stroke his short term memory was affected. But i haven't seen him like this before. Dad has had a very rough life, and when i think about it it does bring me to tears. Many years undiagonsed with schizo, and him being paranoid all the time, and drinking to sooth it. He use to beat my mom, and she told me that dad wouldn't remember the beatings the next day. It saddens my heart and soul to think of a man who lived as such. He said after his stroke, his twin brother Ed was lucky, he died of a massive heart attack. no suffering, no knowledge..just woke up one morning with chest pains, and by the afternoon, dead in the back of the abulance. ..and with dad..a major stoke, left his right side useless...his social life a bust, and his mental problems come to surface.

i feel cheated of a childhood without a normal father. i feel cheated of a adulthood without freedoms as most. I feel responable for his wellbeing first, before myself and before my life. I feel my life is not my own, and has not been since 1997, when i took responibilty for him. No one ever, will know the struggles i have been through with him. Well maybe one person, my ex husband, jeff. He was there though most of it, most of the bad times, most of the trying times, when NO ONE else was..not my mom, not my brothers...
No one else knows how it is . Not even my brothers. They have no clue what i have been through with him. It has been tough, very hard, very emotional, very trying, very tiring and very much a experience that will be with me the rest of my life. God's plan for me? What is He wanting me to learn from this? What is His purpose? How is this serving Him? not sure yet, but i will know one day.
I feel blessed that he has had the chance to know his granddaughter, and that he loves her so. A few weeks back, i heard him tell her 'i love you' many times within a week. Those words were NEVER said to me or my brothers...ever.

aah am tired this morning, but not as bad as yesterday!!
Going to go have coffee this morning with Terri, a fellow mom who lives nearby. She has a daughter tailors age.

Gotta run to the bank and to walmart sometime today too.

Made some more jewerly last night, and will post them today as well.

Not much up other than all that.

i'll be back later on!!
need to have some more coffee and get ready to go :)

Put the pics up of my macrame


Macrame

Hopefully this will take you there lol

I am not really please with the pics, i will probably redo them soon.

got a busy day today.

dr appt this morning for dad.

i was up at 2 am til 4 am, then back up at 7 ..i am very tired. uggh.

til later

not feeling well this afternoon. took a nap and had bad dreams!!

but am feeling somewhat better now.

i deleted my tiger on here, got tired of looking at it lol.

got to take dad to the dr tomorrow morning..i thought it was thur. but nope..tomorrow.
rented a transport wheelchair for tomorrow so all taken care of. got him showered again this evening, so no anxiety in the morning over that, just gotta get him there and get through the visit. that is enough anxiety!!

going to do some cross stitch tonight and relax now.

tomorrow hopefully i will add some of my macrame!!

nite

I can't believe what i did this morning.
i have been cutting coupons past month or so, to help with money. well took a bunch of coupons with me to the grocery and was very diligent (yeah i know i can't spell) about it all. got checked out, put the groceries in the car, and THEN remembered i had coupons!! i didn't even use them i am soo pissed at myself.
i even bought stuff i normally don't buy, but had a good deal on it with the coupon!!
what a dumb thing to do.

I am tired!!!! didn't get to sleep til midnight last night. and got up too early.

tailor is sick today, am keeping her home from school
gotta get groceries YUCK
gotta go look for a wheelchair in ft myers today for dad..yippeee fun ..NOT
got some neon fishies for the fish tank yesterday...they are such scaredy cats..they are just lurking behind a rock *eye roll*

watched rosie's movie last night...i admitt, i had a few tears thought the movie!! i thought it was good

well i am off to wake up world, and some more coffee!!!!

til later

AH HA!!!! i am excited, i figured out how to get one of my digital paintings on here lmao.
i got my june girl on the sidebar yesterday lol
just takes lil patience and lil learning i guess.

yep, i am in a better mood tonight.
fixing on hittin the hay soon.

till tomorrow

I am grouchy today. the rain spoiled the whole day. went out for breakfast this morning then came home and took a nap, woke up all pissy.

waiting for kevin to come home, so we can get supper going. no food in the house. not sure what to have. need to get to the grocery. i hate that more than anything. *note to self* when i get rich, (HA) hire a person to run and get groceries for me.
yep, in a pissy mood.
didn't read today
didn't do any crossstitch
did do a load of dishes tho
did get pics of my braclets to upload
need to get them online, and get this shit going
i don't like how photobucket puts them on blogger
will go look at the other site i was told about. cant remember the name at the moment.

gotta go kev is home

It is 5 am grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. woke up and can't go back to sleep!! I got alot of things i wanna do today too..oh well..lots of coffee i guess

wow i can't believe it is May 1 st!!!!!!!!! Where does the time go??? Sure seems to go by fast for me lately. My dad asked me yesterday how old i was, and i actually had to think about it. lol. thought that was somewhat humorous. At what age do we quit keeping track?

Not much really to say this morning, got alot of stuff going through my head but it is all jumbled. Was thinking how i haven't been in PSP for awhile doing my graphics, i did get some cross stitch done last night, not much tho. Read some of my book. I am reading Education of a Prisoner by edward bunker. It is pretty good. A true story of edwards life, who was in and out of jail since the age of 12 or so. I am about half way through it. I like to read true story books. autobiographies are the best.

well i am off to read some more and see if i can get some more sleep before i go to the playgroup this morning. Meeting some new sw florida moms today, very exciting!! Can't wait :)

till next time