8:59 AM

well dad weirded out on me again this morning. i won't go into details, but i was freaked out. 4 more weeks til his dr appt, hope i can hold out.

If the doctor suggests nursing home this time, i am not going to fight it. I fought the last time he was put in a home, cuz i didn't think he needed to be there. He just needed a fix in his dosage of zyprexa. Then he did fine, and i got him home. That was in 1998. I can barely handle taking care of him anymore. He is wheelchair bound now, and is not capable of much. I already suffer from major depression, and taking care of him is making it worse. It has been very stressful the past 9 years with him. I just don't know how much more i can take.
I made a promise to him, that as long as he was able to shower himself and go to the bathroom, i would take care of him, and not put him in a nursing home. Well he can still do these things, but not very well.
My life has been put on hold since 1997 when all this happened. When i took him into my care. When is it going to be my turn at life? Maybe that is selfish to say. But i said it. I am 33 and feel like i am 60. On top of it all i have a 5 yr old to think about also. We are kept from going places and doing things, that i might be able to do without the responsibity of dad. I don't know. I feel guilty feeling this way, but 8-9 years is a long time. Dad is soo stubborn, he will probably live til he is 100. He is only 63. i know how stressful it was when he was in the nursing home before. he was there 3 months. It was horror!! I know how the patients are being treated and mostly it isn't nicely. I was sooooo stressed i was losing hair. I would visit him everyday, and bring him food, and fight with the nurses to change his wet pants(he was unable to get to the bathroom at the time) that he had probably been laying in for a long time. uuggh.. can't bring these feelings back up.

3 Responses to "mental illiness"

  1. LifeMoments Says:

    So where do I begin!

    The far I have come in this life, I have discovered that life has a tendancy of throwing things your way, that you least expected or even imagined you would come along; and what hurts is that you seem to be the only one going thro' those moments and even question why they had to happen to you and why at this time!

    I have battled with this for quite a while until recently, when TD Jakes was preaching. And in the sermon He talked of how we are like drivers on highway, we meet potholes but we over come and move on but a time comes when we hit that big pothole that forces us to pull over and evaluate the damage.

    The damage might be severe, cause us to buy another car, hike a lift or eve take a cab, but that doesn't mean that our journey has come to an end, we still have our destination awaiting us.

    So please do take courage in the fact that "All things work for good to those that love the Lord..." and one day you will look back at this moments and thank God for having taken you thro' it all.

    And above all don't you have your Daughter to be thankful for!!

  2. Kristy Says:

    wow!! thank you soo much for this comment!! It helps put things in a diff light. Sometimes i just get soo discouraged and frustrated over this issue. then all my thoughts, and feelings come rushing out in a blast.
    and yes, i do have my daughter to be thankful for :)

  3. LifeMoments Says:

    Your truly welcome!

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