Well over the past two days, my dad has talked my ear off.
He hasn't talked that much in probably 4 or 5 years.
With being physically and mentally disabled, he just sits and watches tv or sleeps.
He had a stoke 10 years ago. shortly after that he was showing signs of schizophrenia. Eventually was diagnosed with parinoid schizo. Drs say he's had it most his life, and he self medicated with alcohol. Bad alcoholic he was!! bad bad. Makes sense now.
anyhow, taking responibilty for him, has really changed my life in the past 8 years or so. Yestereday he asked me when he had his storke..three years ago he says? I said, no about 10 years ago. He asked me if it was 1993 . I told him no, its 2005. He said he can't remember the past ten years. Every since he is asking me all these questions. This morning he asked how many kids did he have, and how old are they. Asked when his mother died, and if he went to the funeral. (she passed away in 1997, when he was undiagonsed with schizo, and was having bad bad episodes from it) This afternoon, he asked me again how old i was. ..just strange questions about the past ten years..well maybe not strange, but it is boggling his mind that he can't remember. He remembers bits and pieces of it tho.
I hope this isn't a sign of him having another episode of delucions and stuff. He has been off meds since jan. since the dr wouldn't prescribe them, and dad wouldn't go see a pycharist. I dont' think i could handle him getting out of control again. I fought that for almost two years with him. Sad to say, but i hope it is just demenia setting in. and not the schizo. I tried to go on the web this morning to read about demenia and schizo, to see if they are related anyhow...and didn't really have the time to read anything.

i feel sad for him. I couldn't imagine figuring out that 10 years of his life of memories are gone. I know after his stroke his short term memory was affected. But i haven't seen him like this before. Dad has had a very rough life, and when i think about it it does bring me to tears. Many years undiagonsed with schizo, and him being paranoid all the time, and drinking to sooth it. He use to beat my mom, and she told me that dad wouldn't remember the beatings the next day. It saddens my heart and soul to think of a man who lived as such. He said after his stroke, his twin brother Ed was lucky, he died of a massive heart attack. no suffering, no knowledge..just woke up one morning with chest pains, and by the afternoon, dead in the back of the abulance. ..and with dad..a major stoke, left his right side useless...his social life a bust, and his mental problems come to surface.

i feel cheated of a childhood without a normal father. i feel cheated of a adulthood without freedoms as most. I feel responable for his wellbeing first, before myself and before my life. I feel my life is not my own, and has not been since 1997, when i took responibilty for him. No one ever, will know the struggles i have been through with him. Well maybe one person, my ex husband, jeff. He was there though most of it, most of the bad times, most of the trying times, when NO ONE else was..not my mom, not my brothers...
No one else knows how it is . Not even my brothers. They have no clue what i have been through with him. It has been tough, very hard, very emotional, very trying, very tiring and very much a experience that will be with me the rest of my life. God's plan for me? What is He wanting me to learn from this? What is His purpose? How is this serving Him? not sure yet, but i will know one day.
I feel blessed that he has had the chance to know his granddaughter, and that he loves her so. A few weeks back, i heard him tell her 'i love you' many times within a week. Those words were NEVER said to me or my brothers...ever.

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