It has been well over a month since i have been able to write.
Alot of things in my life have changed since june and i am still trying to cope with the changes.
I am soo emotionally confused and wrapped up in things, that i thought if i write it out, it may help.
dad had finally gotten to the point of being out of my control with helping him.
At the end of june, when it was time to go get my daughter from her dad's, it became clear that i was torn between going and getting her and leaving my dad here at home. I had the intentions of putting him in a home when i returned from getting tailor. But with the gracious help and convinicing of my brother, i ended up taking dad to illinois with me, with the plan to put him in a nursing home.
When my brother suggested to just bring him there and put him in a home, i was very conflicted on doing that. I mean, how can i just up and take him there, place him, and return home without being able to "look after him"? At that point, i had no choice, as his mental health was just terrible. Thank goodness my boyfriend could take off work to help me drive him there. It was an awful first night of driving. He became combative in the car, thinking he was seeing someone else in the car that he was 'chasing'....just terrible. I have never been scared with dad, each time when he got sick like this in the past, but this time, he scared the hell out of me. After stopping at a hotel for the night, the next day went well as he slept most of the way home....we ended up driving 1000 miles without stopping for the night, to make sure that we got there!
For the next 10 days, we struggled to find a nursing home that would take him. Thank God for my brothers, and their help, each in their own way. I would not have been able to do this without their support. Finally, we did find a home that would take him, but we were reluctant about this home. When it came time to tell dad the plan, was one of the worse times in my life. After taking care of this man for 8 years, telling him i could no longer do it, and that he needed to be in a home, literally broke my heart. .....and broke his too. He geniunely sobbed. It will be a moment in my life that i will never forget as long as i live. I made a promise to dad a long time ago, i would take care of him as long as i could. I guess the time was up. Actually, if i am honest with myself, the time was probably up awhile ago, but i was in denial and didn't want to see him in a home. .....
To make matters worse, my daughter became very ill, when my mom was taking care of her, i had to leave the responsibilty up to my brothers, to actually take him to the nursing home the next day after we told him. I left my brothers that night, and sobbed the whole way to my mom's house( and hour and a half away). Got my daughter in my arms and sobbed more. Between taking care of her through the night, and worried about my brothers and my dad, i was a emotional wreck.
The next day came, and what a hell of a day that was. I get a call from my brother saying dad will not go to the home. My brothers had a fight on their hands...literally as it turns out. I think tailor may have gotten sick by no mistake. God's hand was in these turn of events i believe. I could never have handled the day that my brothers went through with dad. Long story short, they ended up having to call the police and a mental health responder to get dad to the ER. A scene that i have been through many times with dad. More than i want to remember. I know what my brothers went through that day, how they felt, the exhaustion, the emotions, everything...i have been through it. I so wanted to leave and go there to help them, but my mom kept telling me let the professionals do their job. IF your brothers needed me there they would say so. The guilt i felt, i am still feeling. Although i was there for my daughter, where i needed to be, i wasn't there for my dad or my brothers. I never want to be in that position again ..ever.
To make things worse, the hosptial did not give the care that my dad needed. I am still pissed about that. Dad eventually broke his hand, while he was fighting everyone to go to the ER. Connected with my brothers eye, luckily he didn't have a huge black eye, even tho it did bruise and get swollen a bit.
Dad was put in the nursing home the next morning. His mental health is still not better, he refuses his meds. I am here 1300 miles away and can't do a damn thing to help....i feel terrible. I have guilt, and not just for leaving him there, but for being so far away, AND for leaving my brother to look in on him by himself. What a burden i have put on him. He has a one yr old lil baby, and now one on the way. The tears flow as i write, as i think. The day tailor and i left illinois, was very hard for me. We went and visited dad, and i explained to tailor that he was living there now, a home for grandma's and grandpa's to live. She busted out in a sob when we left the home. I just explained to her that we can come visit him whenever we could. She seemed to accept that. When finally got on the road to come back to florida, it was very conflicting for me. Very hard for me to leave dad, but yet, i had to get home, to get my daughter's life back to 'normal' whatever that may be. To find a job, my income as a caregiver is gone..i need a job. In the quiet hours of driving, while tailor was sleeping, lots of tears flowed. Tears of grief i suppose. among other feelings...sadness for my dad, the mental illness must give him torment that i can't even imagine. It kills me to think about it. I have seen it one too many times with him. The biggest thing i am having trouble dealing with it, is that his mental detoriation, is my fault. I should have never brought him to florida with me. never. i should have never moved. But then i think, after 8 years of living my life 'around' him, it was time for me to do what i wanted to do ...for me and for my daughter. I thought that he would do good here in florida. ..he did until i couldn't get him his meds refilled. I even bought the house that i found because it was wheelchair accessible. It was 2x's bigger than the old could get to every room in the house. He could get outside if he wanted. I thought it would do everyone good. But it didn't. Can't change the past. So i try not to think about it, but it will haunt me.
After getting home, it was so strange to walk back into my home, without dad. Almost like grieving for a lost one. I cried that night, sitting in my living room..not hearing his radio or his electric wheelchair clicking on and off. His dog, lost here without him, and being 'depressed'. I wept at the emptyness of the house. the quietness. worrying how he is doing in that strange place, without me...his 'security blanket' that he has had all these years. Yet still knowing in the back of my mind, that the nurses can give him better care than i can. It still hurts, i still feel guilty, i am still sad, but yet it is bittersweet. I now have to find a new normal in my life. I need to go on, and continue to build a life for my daughter. How this will free me up for her. A whole new life to me, and i am still trying to figure it out. I have major guilt, esp when i hear updates from my brother. He goes and sees dad everyday after work. ...that should be me, looking in on him. He is giving the home a hard time...and my bro hears about it...that should be me. I give all the credit in the world to my brother for taking on this right now. I am not sure what the future will bring, maybe one day we can transfer dad to florida to a home. unlikely, but maybe an option. Maybe he will get stablized on his meds somehow, and he can enjoy my brothers kids as they grow up near him. I hope he gets to know my niece and future niece or nephew...he so loves tailor. He adores her. That is another thing that breaks my heart. ...seperating my daughter and dad.
..i have abandoned dad, just like everyother person in his life has. That guilt will haunt me also for the rest of my life. I have contiplated on selling my house and moving back to illinois......but what kind of effect would that put on my daughter? I can't make that huge decision again...but i have thought about it. aaaaaaah sooo many thoughts and so many what if's.
My headaches that i had been having are gone now. I don't feel as stressed as i did before. I have set three goals that i have been wanting to do for a long time, that i am going to strive for now that dad is not here. I guess i am moving ahead with my life, although all my emotions concerning dad seem to be weighing me down. I am trying to move on, but everyday i am reliving those two weeks in illinois. I am rescheduling my therapist appt that i missed when i was gone, as well as my dr appt. I have created my resume and have submitted it to about 5 companies. I look forward to a new career or job, and not have to worry about getting home at lunch time to feed/check on dad, and getting home to fix supper. ..or worry about leaving him alone while i am away. I am trying.
Thank God for giving my brother the strenth to look after dad for now. Bless his heart, as he has gone through alot with my dad in childhood, and finally the other day, i believe he got closure from my dad. I cried all night after hearing of his visit with dad. Dad told my brother that he loved him. We didn't hear that from dad in our childhood. never. I, to this day, had never heard dad tell me he loved me and that is ok but I heard him tell tailor all the time....but what a blessing that he told my brother. My brother got the brunt of dad's madness when he was growing up. Thank God that he has forgiven him, maybe now he can put that chapter of his life behind him, and have a lighter heart. Dad had given mom a chance to forgive him, years ago, when he was in the hospital. He had apologized to her for what he had put her through. A closure for her. I hope that my brother has closure now from dad. I hope that he can have a lighter heart. Maybe dad being in illinois, is for a reason. Maybe God brought dad to illinois, to give my brother that closure. to give my brother the i love you, that he has needed for many years.

well its 3 am and i am all cried out for this night. i have missed writing in my blog.

i miss my dad

peace out

1 Response to "Long time, no write!"

  1. Stacie Says:

    Hi there, I got to your blog via blogexplosion and after reading this post felt like I needed to comment.

    I know how you feel. My grandma was like a mother to me and when she became ill it broke my heart. I tried for years to take care of her the best I could and when it finally wasnt enough and I had to put her in a home it nearly killed me. But things will work out, God does things for a reason that you may not be able to see right now.

    Hang in there, and if you ever need to "talk" feel free to email me.

    take care,

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